Friday, February 01, 2008

Metanoia and Schizoaffective Disorder

You'd recognize something if you have already seen it before. You'd know the place and find some traces if you have been there at some point in time. No matter how hard you try to repress your memory of it, it will still come back to haunt you and it chooses its own time.

In 2001, I was in third year college when a doctor diagnozed me with schizoaffective disorder. My episode lasted for 2 months. I saw shadows moving around. I heard voices that nobody else can hear. And I saw snipers hiding behind coconut trees. Eventually, I jumped off into the waters at the city wharf and walked home barefoot on the concrete road, leaving my identity (wallet, driver's license and school ID) behind me.

It seemed like it was a very long time ago. I have moved on with my life, getting myself as busy as I possibly could. And I successully got rid of medications for 6 years and function normally in the society.

But good people leave lasting impressions. They are the ones who give you inspiration and help you define your own life. Unfortunately for me, they can also become a curse. The people who helped me overcome my illness are the same people who can remind me of those dark and disturbing moments.

I have relapsed, my first in 7 years. But like what Carl G Jung said, I would like to see this episode as a process of reforming the psyche in a form of self healing.

14 comments:

Sunshine said...

Thanks for sharing your blog with me Arnold, I know how sensitive this can be. You have my respect and I will always be proud of who you are and what you can do despite your illness. Like I said, God heals. Keep the faith my dear friend and you will continue to live a normal and better life in no time. I'll be praying for you. Good luck to what you love to do and God bless always.

Anonymous said...

hello, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but i'm still in denial. i'm thankful for people like you who are not afraid to share their stories in the internet. i'm glad to know that i'm not alone even more happy to see that you like photography like i do. more power!

Anonymous said...

i'm too scared to go to a psychiatrist right now and i don't even know if i would ever have the guts to do so.

i believe i am suffering from a BIPOLAR disorder. i knew something was different about me since I was in college but i guess i was pretty good with pretending that i am okay, and quite 'normal' just like everybody else.

I'm in my early 30's now and I could feel that my depression has gotten worse. i've stopped working for almost a year now. I've been jumping from one company to another for the past 10 years and I always end up feeling too drained and stressed out with every single job that I ever had. All my friends and family think that I'm just "too lazy" to stick to any job. They are not even aware of the hell that I'm going through right now.

The truth is, I don't want to keep myself idle. I just want to avoid doing anything that would be too stressful for me. I'm trying to protect my sanity. I don't want to end up losing it all due to severe depression. But lately, my depression is eating me up again. Being a bum for a long time now is also affecting my self esteem at this point.

I wonder if i could still pursue a career that wouldn't be too stressful for a mentally/emotionally challenged person like me. :(

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Anonymous said...

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Robbie Towe said...

Very insightful. I will definitely read more of your blog.

ninest123 said...
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